Cliff's Corner

For Republican Sexcapades on The Young Turks (hypertext link not working for some reason) go to: mms://youngturks.wmod.llnwd.net/a591/o1/7-27CliffSchector.wmv
Link to more on Lieberman here and here

The Week That Was 7/28/06
Another week. More preposterousness to report.

Schadenfreude is such an underrated feeling. It has been largely difficult to enjoy it as it pertains to President “wow Russia’s really big,” because the colossal disaster that is his presidency has caused countless casualties at home and abroad, wrecked our finances, made us such a pariah Sudan won’t take our phone calls, turned Norm Coleman’s dad into Ace Bigelow, destroyed our environment and made solving world crises about as clear as Christopher Hitchens’ vision after the Wild Turkey runs out.

But we can surely enjoy life’s guilty pleasure of cackling at the Lifestyles of the Corrupt and Crazy who have enabled our president to do such damage to this country over the past 5+ years. And the last week or so has been especially bad for three of these GOP stooges.

First there was the loss in the Georgia primary by Francisco Franco and Anita Bryant’s lovechild, Ralph Reed. This was a real shame because a victory would have allowed his swearing in as lieutenant governor to coincide nicely with his bid to achieve pubescence.

You may remember Ralph as the titular head of the Christian Coalition, the smiling, facile brat who conservatives foisted upon us to equate Christianity with his perverted vision of the righteous path in which America would presumably turn into Phyllis Schlafly’s house. Without the gay kid of course. And the mother who’s never around because she’s always out working. And…well you get the point.

Later Ralph became the man in charge of George W. Bush’s southern dirty tricks division in 2000 and 2004, touting our president’s abiding Christian values and translating retard into English when Bush was in the neighborhood. Yet, it turns out Ralph's not-so-Christian habit of lying, stealing and cheating to play Native American tribes off against each other, so he could in the words of an email to his good buddy Jack Abramoff “start humping corporate clients” (insert Republican joke) wasn’t a big seller. Promoting the banned-religion, forced-abortion nightmare that is the Marianas Islands probably didn’t help much either. For some reason conservatives got a bit worked up about these things.

His mother probably put it best, when quoted in a recent GQ article. “I used to tell people he was going to be either President of the United States or Al Capone.” Now I don’t want to go out on a limb here, but let’s just say Geraldo will probably be opening Ralph’s empty vault on live television in twenty years after giving away U.S. troop positions on Fox using only his mustache.

Two other self-deluded, monomaniacal, intellectual ring-dings, Katherine Harris and Ken Blackwell, are also finally getting the pay back they deserve for doing everything in their power to cheat Bush’s way to victory in Florida in 2000 and Ohio in 2004, respectively.

Harris’ mascara is running for Senate, and she’s fired everyone from the interns to her breast-pump at least three times (and many others have just quit). In fact, a friend of mine familiar with the situation says she is absolutely bipolar, ignoring everyone’s advice, thinking the world is out to get her and berating her staff constantly. I’m just waiting for her to jump up on Oprah’s sofa.

Numerous other reports suggest that she is, let’s just say, living out a daily Girl, Interrupted existence. I must pause, because now I’m all choked up. Particularly when I look at Republican poll numbers that show her losing to Senator Bill Nelson 60% to 22%. But I guess it kind of sucks when you whore yourself out to the Bush brothers and place a blemish on American democracy and all you get is a lousy t-shirt (which is a bit too tight). Yet, she’s still the GOP's best ongoing-reality series. I think it has been tentatively named "Pearls Gone Wild." With a backup title of "The Bitch is Completely Out of Her Skull."

Finally there is the self-hating, Bible-thumping, con-man known as Kenneth Blackwell. He’s one of three black men running for statewide office as a Republican this year, so they can try and pretend their conventions don’t look like Wimbledon. Blackwell’s working hard to suppress votes in this election as he did in the last one, in his capacity as Ohio’s Secretary of State.

Blackwell likes sending a limited number of broken-down machines to large college towns and urban areas, while making sure every vote is counted in neighborhoods where he is the punch-line of most jokes after the raconteur looks over his shoulder. But it will be at least a little tougher to suppress Rep. Ted Strickland’s 47% to 27% lead over him in Ohio governor’s race.

Perhaps it was a bad idea to own stock in the ever-so-reliable Diebold machines he would love to use throughout the state. Or have ideas so shallow George Allen understands them without playing Pictionary.

Regardless, Blackwell and his Dominionist allies will be doing what they can to bring a Dominoes Pizza-like existence to Ohio, so he and Harris must be shown, like the good Mr. Reed, that membership in Loonsville doesn’t have its privileges.