Cliff's Corner

The Week That Was 5/19/06

Another week. More preposterousness to report.

Now it’s my turn. Yes, I know it must be psychologically challenging to belong to a family that believes your inherent value to be roughly that of monkey pox or a baby riding shotgun with Britney at the wheel. But is that really enough of a justification for me to have to be constantly assaulted via television, radio, print and web by Mary Cheney attempting to wax eloquent about her “book.” I know, it’s actually a bit sad to watch this pathetic, self-hating, changeling--whose book would read just as well in crayon--try and please mommy and daddy by keeping one femur in the closet while their bordelaise buddies attempt to wreak havoc on the Constitution. And, yet, it is even more angering.

Dear Mary whimpers about how she came sooo close to quitting the “don’t switch primates in mid stream” campaign in 2004. How agonizing it must have been to try to resolve that dilemma of “do I continue to toil on an endeavor that explicitly endorses a constitutional amendment that would render me sub-human, or keep working for these cretins?” I wonder, Mary, were you thinking about that while you were yukking it up in the Cheney family box at the Republican National Convention or was it only while you were speaking out about what a swell guy that walking organ transplant you call a dad is?

At least now I understand how they must get prisoners to talk at Guantanamo. A couple of clothes-pinned eyes A Clockwork Orange-style and that erudite work of yours thrust in their faces must make the most hardened Al Qaeda operative scream like they’re forcing them to watch an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.

But I digress. It is truly the descriptions of your Carl Spackler-faced father that are most poignant. Although one piece of advice, if I may, Mary. We’ve caught on to the fact that your dad is a man who TIVOs collateral damage in Fallujah for a late night pick-me-up and is probably cooking up the next Tuskegee Experiment.

So when you call him “warm and fuzzy” in your book, you just make me and the other 82% of the country who pretty much thinks your dad is a douche want to puke like we’re a Bush twin whose gone without an opiate for 6 hours.

Reminder Mary: Shotgun. Whittington. Face. Cover up.

Also, maybe can you explain to me, Mary, how John Edwards is a “slime” because he supposedly “outed you” but dad’s just a heckuva guy for outing an undercover CIA operative trying to protect this country by tracking potential weapons of mass destruction proliferation in Iran? You know Iran, the country your dad was making millions doing business with while at Halliburton.

To sum up, if you want to come to grips with your sexuality a bit better Mary, just read one of mom’s books. She seems to have quite a handle on the female avec female encounter. And if it makes you feel any better, daddy has probably known about your predilection for the female form since he attached that implant to your parietal lobe in the 6th grade.

Just remember as Senator Pat Roberts says, “you can’t be a lesbian if you’re dead.”