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The Week That Was 9/08/06

Another week. More preposterousness to report.

I’m thinking most of us have lost the ability to be shocked by anything Republicans do anymore, from placing a shoe-wielding, Ron-Jeremy-milk-mustached lunatic at the United Nations to arguing that embryonic stem cells should be protected by Blackwater mercs. Unless, of course, they happen to be located in the Lower Ninth Ward of New Orleans, while President Bush is surveying storm damage at 30,000 feet. Then, like those African Americans who don’t quite make Barbara Bush’s Christmas card list—not even the segregated Macaca division—they’re on their own.

But one thing Republicans have certainly retained is their ability to continually revolt us, like we just caught Rush Limbaugh changing in the locker room or caught a glimpse of Anne Coulter’s goiter come feeding time.

Now Disney/ABC has jumped in the fray. This paragon of corporate virtue has scheduled Path to 9/11, the documentary… I mean docudrama… I mean fictionalized account, or whatever they’re calling this piece of bile these days, to completely distort the truth about what occurred leading up to that tragic day.

Short version: It was Clinton’s fault. Apparently big Bill was the one who ignored the August 6th, 2001 PDB that said “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the U.S.,” completely concentrated on missile defense while ignoring the terrorist threat and spent what seemed like an eternity reading My Pet Goat to school children after he knew we were under massive aerial assault. Bush, on the other hand, must have been the president during the 90s who just missed killing bin Laden by launching missiles at a camp in Afghanistan and whose people prevented the millennium plot from killing untold thousands.

A list of further lies can be found here.

By the way, speaking of bin Laden, um… where is he right now, you know five years after he committed mass murder against our people? The super-competent Bush team seems to possess about as much a clue as the Bush’s daughters have of where those open sores on their lips came from. But maybe he’ll come out of hiding when The Bush Administration opens up our next set of ports to the highest bidder in the Middle East.

Getting back to the film, nobody should really be surprised by ABC’s involvement. This corporate leviathan is also known for employing slightly-less-inbred, Geraldo Rivera look-alike John Stossel, who makes up facts concerning everything from the minimum wage to corporate regulation, because it fits his triple-Y chromosome, hirsute-knuckled view of the world. Where is former pro-wrestler David Schultz when you need him?

They’re also remarkably fair in their bookings for political shows. For example, this past Sunday, with George Stephanopoulos at the helm — in the role of objective host — who do we get on discussion panel expressing their views? Why the increasingly demented David Brooks, a man whose arguments are so stupid Jessica Simpson understands them and an all-around intellectual Spider Monkey who is slowly morphing into one of the two constipated old commentators on the Muppets.

Here’s a new idea for your next book David: Bobo With His Vacant Head Up His Ass.

Otherwise, conservative George Will and progressive E.J. Dionne filled out the panel, keeping the usual ABC 2:1 conservative bias in order. But the other half of this corporate parasite, Disney, makes ABC look pleasant in comparison.

Disney cancelled their distribution deal with Michael Moore, right before Fahrenheit 9/11 was to be released, because they didn’t want to enter the “politically charged” environment it would cause. They also came up with the brilliant idea of supporting Mel Gibson’s—currently in his Lindbergh phase (don’t worry, it only lasts about 45 years)—quest to do a short series on THE HOLOCAUST.

This would be like having Jean Schmidt do a film on fashion, Ken Mehlman on how to woo a woman—you know because he is too busy to date—or Rush Limbaugh on how to achieve a non medically-induced erection.

But, overall, my biggest problem with Disney is the fact that Mickey Mouse pushed someone off a roller coaster at Disneyland in 2003. Now I didn’t see him to it, but Mickey’s never denied it, so I thought I’d use my creative license to relay how Disney allowed Mickey to kill an innocent human being at one of their theme parks.

Note to Disney/ABC: Our television stations and children’s classrooms are not to be the province of your propaganda. Perhaps you have us mixed up with China, say circa Cultural Revolution. In the meantime, good progressives, contact those Disney and ABC execs and let them know which station you won’t be watching and theme parks not attending unless they cancel this outlandish film, which is not only false, but will provide the necessary excitement for Dan Senor to masturbate to after spending portions of the $8 billion that went missing in Iraq under his watch.

Darn it, there I go using creative license again.

For my weekly segment on The Young Turks, Republican Sexcapades, click here

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