There's a dearth of good writers in Congress. It's "Dearth City" in DC as far as writers are concerned. Time to change that.
So I appeal to you, writer to reader. Let's get a good writer into the halls of power. God knows what he'll do, but it can't be worse than what the bad writers have done.
My writerly candidate — Alan Grayson. I have it on personal authority he writes his own material (I'm serious; I asked).
A sample of his work, so you can judge his qualifications:
Dear Friend—I care about puppies and kittens. See; look at the nice kitty I showed you.
I’m asking you to contribute to our campaign today for a reason that you might not . . . expect. It’s to keep Mitt Romney’s dog safe.
Unless you have been visiting relatives in Atlantis for the last few months, you may have heard about Mitt Romney’s Irish setter Seamus.
Mitt Romney caged Seamus, strapped the cage to the roof of his car, and then drove Seamus 650 miles, from Massachusetts to Ontario. During the ride, Seamus developed diarrhea. Romney calmly drove into a gas station, hosed off Seamus, the cage and the car windows, and continued his trek. Even though Romney’s dog was as sick as a dog.
It’s good to know that if America ever has a dog-on-the-roof-plus-excrement crisis, at least one person will know how to deal with it.
I have been reminded of this Romney escapade many times recently, because virtually every time that I go to any website, I see an ad for “Pet Lovers for Obama.” And I don’t even have a dog. (Note to White House: check ad targeting parameters.)
The President’s outreach to dog-lovers notwithstanding, we nevertheless must face the possibility that Mitt Romney may become President. I ask you not to think about what that means for America. I ask you to think about what that means for Mitt Romney’s dog.
He’ll be tied to the trunk of the limousine that carries Mitt Romney down Pennsylvania Avenue to his inauguration. (Romney’s inauguration, not the dog’s.)
He’ll be tied to the roof of the helicopter that carries Romney to Camp David. Just under the blades [my favorite line].
He’ll be tied to the top of Air Force One, as it hurtles through the air at 600 miles an hour, six miles above the ground. That would be enough to give anyone the runs.
In fact, as I said on MSNBC a few weeks ago, I don’t think that Mitt Romney will be happy until Romney has America strapped to the top of his car.
These are all terrible thoughts, I know. But you can help make sure that none of this ever comes to be – by contributing to our campaign.
Why our campaign? Because our district is: (a) in Florida, and (b) on the I-4 corridor in Central Florida. If President Obama wins Florida, then Romney loses the race. And if President Obama wins the I-4 corridor, then President Obama wins Florida.
Every single day, including Saturdays and Sundays, we have dozens of canvassers going door to door. They are encouraging unregistered Democrats to register, encouraging Democrats who have changed addresses to re-register, signing up Democrats to vote by mail if they want to, and spreading the word about what the Republicans will do to our Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. Explaining that with Romney as top dog, America will become a dog’s breakfast, a dog-eat-dog world.
America will go to the dogs.
Will the Obama campaign be doing this here as well? I don’t know. I haven’t seen it yet, as I told Vice President Biden a few days ago. But I do know that we are signing up a lot of Grayson voters. They will not only help to win our race, but also will help to keep the White House and the Senate.
And help keep Mitt Romney’s dog safe.
So if you care about Mitt Romney’s dog, if you care about puppies and kittens and little babies and cotton candy, you really have no choice. You have to contribute to our campaign. And you have to do it today. So click on that button below.
No animals were harmed in the making of this e-mail.
Mr. Grayson has a good-writer Moneybomb going. This is an excellent time to tell him you like his prose.
Won't you send a good writer to Congress? If you send Mr. Grayson, perhaps there's a path for the rest of us.
Yours in good prose,
To follow or send links: @Gaius_Publius