Puerto Rico really, really doesn't like Rick Santorum

Puerto Rico has proven that it really, really doesn't like Rick Santorum. In fact, they disliked him so much that they gave Mitt Romney an 83% to 8% win over him, even after Rick went to the island to pander to residents and sneak in some rays poolside (no, I won't link to the picture, so you're on your own there).

Santorum's loss comes with good reason. After his double-win in the southern states of Alabama and Mississippi last week (where respectively 45% and 52% of Republican voters also believe that President Obama is a secret Muslim, and in Mississippi a plurality of GOP voters still think inter-racial marriage should be illegal), Santorum left for Puerto Rico to begin campaigning for their weekend race. Except things there got off to an epically-bad start.

I believe the general rule of thumb in politics is to not try to piss off the people whose votes you're trying to gain (but then again I've never run for office, and have publicly clarified my stance on man-on-dog action, so what do I know). Santorum stunned the entire island and the mainland after saying that in order to qualify to join the union, Puerto Rico is constitutionally-required to adopt "English as the main language." Yes, Rickie went to a nation of Spanish-speakers and told them to learn g-damn English.

And Santorum couldn't be more wrong. Not only does Puerto Rico officially recognize English and Spanish as their official languages, but this so-called constitutional requirement does not even exist (I don't expect a non-constitutional scholar like Santorum to get that - that's why we elected Barack Obama, who taught constitutional law). Santorum would probably call this absurd claim a "misspeak." Others might use the word "lie."

Santorum then tried to walk back the comment, but it was too late. In the end, he humiliatingly lost the endorsement of a prominent former senator and the island went to Romney. Romney of course milked Santorum's fail to the dear end, telling Puerto Ricans they could speak whatever they damn well please, y'all.

Rick later managed to top himself (coincidentally an act that would be illegal under a President Santorum) by calling Puerto Rico a "country," even though it's been an unincorporated territory of the United States since 1898. Are history books gay, Rick -- is that why you don't seem to interact with them much?

Sadly, this is the same Republican party that has joked about electrocuting Mexican immigrants and self-deportation (which I hear is about as popular among Latino voters as Republicans self-taxing). Even a Fox News Latino poll showed that Latino voters are picking President Obama over Romney, 70% to 14%. Santorum didn't even manage a showing in the poll, coming in as "Other."

Luckily for Puerto Ricans, Santorum self-deported from the "country" after his defeat, and has rejoined us in "America." I'm sure I'm not the only one waiting for Cinco de Mayo to roll around so Santorum can don a sombrero and tell Mexican-Americans like myself to quit having so many babies (while he tries to make contraception and abortion illegal).  Mitt Romney, on the other hand, typically can't decide whether to brag about his quasi-Mexican heritage or shun it. (I look forward to the day when Santorum starts lecturing Señor Mitt to stop having so many babies.)

And another margarita, por favor.