Cliff's Corner

The Week That Was 5/04/07

Another Week. More preposterousness to report.

Well, that illustrious group of geriatric honkeys known as the Republican presidential wannabes disembarked last night in what is for them the political equivalent of Taj Mahal, The Torture Museum in Amsterdam and a night out in Bangkok trolling for "massages" all rolled into one: Ronnie's Library. Also known as The House That Illicit Funds From Iran-For-Hostages Built. So what did we learn from this inevitably regal event?

1) Being a Republican means not only that Bin Laden is "Wanted Dead Or Alive" but also that "Bin Laden Is Going To Pay And He Will Die" (Romney) and you'll "Follow Bin Laden To The Gates Of Hell" (McCain). Because among your atavistic-anthropoid base, talking like you're in a John Wayne movie makes up for the fact that you guys couldn't catch The West Nile Virus--while sunning on the banks of The Nile, in the Full Monty and more sweat-drenched than Bill Bennett dreaming about the Bellagio.

Is the Mission Accomplished yet?

2) Being a Republican means 30% of your candidates for Leader Of The Free World (or so it used to be) don't believe in evolution, even though all you have to do is look at James Inhofe to know that Intellgent Design is simply not possible.

3) Being a Republican means you one day find yourself thinking, you know what, I need a massage. Should I go with the Swedish or perhaps the deep-tissue? Nah, I think I'll go with the hooker.

6) Being a Republican--ahem McCain--means the only Democrat you can think of to name to a cabinet position is Joe Lieberman, a guy who's not a Democrat, and has the same ridiculous position you have on the War in Iraq. But hey, you're a bipartisan guy who gets things done by working with the other side.

5) Being a Republican means you think it's a pretty good idea to send confidential Interior Department materials to a guy you met and "role-played with" on the Internet, but Democrats are the ones not to be trusted running our government.

6) Being a Republican means you absolutely detest the "culture of Hollywood." Even though if you'd played a drinking game last night for every time those silly sycophants on the stage mentioned Ronald Reagan, you'd have become Paula Abdul. You also slobber over the mere sight of the "Governator" in the audience and spend much of your time publicly fantasizing that lobbyist Fred Thompson will jump in the race and ride his white horse to victory, which is appropriate, because you believe black or Hispanic horses aren't quite up to the job anyhow.

In summary, you don't just embrace the "culture of Hollywood" for your party, Hollywood provides the only people anyone even likes in your party. And last night certainly did nothing to change that, at least among those of us who don't down Oxycintin like it's Cream Soda and shed our skin a half-dozen or so times a year.

For more on this and other stories, go to cliffschecter.com.