Cliff's Corner

The Week That Was 4/27/07

Another Week. More preposterousness to report.

Well, it's been a very enlightening week for me, as I have again become more erudite in the ways of the wily Republican. When one oberves them in their natural habitat of Washington--or at least their secondary one outside Attica--it is quite impossible not to come to a few general conclusions:

1) Being a Republican means blaming all of society's ills on liberalism, when most of them from IEDs to STDs can actually be be blamed on your political philosphy and/or Lucky Luciano-like personal life.

2) Being a Republican means having to get the Brinks Bonus Plan to protect your house and business from the inevitable raid the FBI will be conducting on your property in the next week (perhaps Reps Renzi and Doolittle can start a consulting firm to advise other "victims" of the media).

3) Being a Republican means the Big Pharma's your daddy, and ordinary people without healthcare are to be crushed like they're an unlucky varmint that has wandered into the path of Mitt The Destroyer (unless you're the world's most sought after terrorist, then Mitt's ready to swap theocracy tales).

4) Being a Republican means being so unbelievably stupid as to put your counterterrorism center in the only location to have been attacked by terrorists already, in one of the largest cities in the world with endless choices for your HQ, and then inevitably watching it end up like every one of your marriages or our health care system. Oh yeah, and then it means you have the gall to question the other side on terrorist-prevention.

5) Being a Republican means you actually take five-deferment, drunk-driving, war-profiteering, serially-lying, cholesterol-snorting, Gorgon Dick Cheney seriously, even though he's about as coherent these days as a lobotomized Dan Quayle.

6) Being a Republican means having a kickin' case of priapism (see ED commericals if clarification is necessary) for endless war and cronyism while anyone lacking Haliburton stock options or a sweet pad in Kennebunkport is the equivalent of a "historical document" on an impending attack to Condi, to be ignored at all costs.

I'm not sure how they'll continue to up the ante on crazy, but who knows, maybe necrophilia or preemptive war against family-planning clinics is in their future.

For more on this and other stories, go to cliffschecter.com.