Cliff's Corner

The Week That Was 4/20/07

Another Week. More preposterousness to report.

Another week where Republicans prove that they've become the party of marauding, molestation and intellectual mummification. As I am in the "final throes" of writing a manuscript on McCain--you know, your friendly Baghdad market-dweller--we'll have to keep the next few of these fun pieces brief. But a week like this certainly merits some comment. So, in any case, here's what I learned:

1) Being a Republican means being manly enough to criticize victims of a massacre at Virginia Tech for not pounding a man with both a 9 mm Glock and 22 caliber handgun as hard as you pound the keyboard in your basement. It also means you cancel debates with real progressives because you're actually a coward.

2) Being a Republican means using the word "we" to describe the fight in Iraq, even though the closest you've come to combat is sexually harassing the waitress at a Medieval-joust theme restaurant.

3) Being a Republican means having your office or home raided by the FBI, and showing said manliness by blaming it on your wife.

4) Being a Republican means still backing a president who has long since proven himself unable to speak English, but wanting to require everybody else to speak it by law.

5) Being a Republican means trying to turn back the clock to 1964 or doing your best Mugabe so you can stop people you don't like (preferably black ones) from voting. And being in the same party as Abu Gonzales no matter how hard you try to publicly run away from Heckuva Job Gonzo.

6) Being a Republican means calling for more guns as an antidote to gun violence, because, you know, that's worked really well for Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia and Dick Cheney.

Ahh, yes, the Republicans, leave it to them to solve any problem by creating more. If I didn't know better, I would almost think they didn't want goverment to work or something?

For more on this and other stories, go to cliffschecter.com.