And the calls keep coming in...
"Hello, Senator Burns office..."
I'm calling to see if the senator supports traditional marriage.
-Yes he does.
Can you tell me if he masturbates?
-I do not know sir, that's not my business.
Can you tell me, do you masturbate?
-That's none of your business.
Well what about sodomy, analingus, cunnilingus or fellatio? Does he engage in those?
-Uhm, I don't... sir I don't know. uhmm.. (uncomfortable pause)
Do you need explanations for what they mean?
-Sir, I don't want definitions and really I don't know.
Has the senator had sex before or outside of marriage?
-Sir I do not know.
Have you ever had sex before or outside of marriage?
-No I have not.
Has the senator ever engaged in adultery or relations with a prostitute?
-You know sir, I don't know and I don't really wanna go through with the following questions.
Would the senator make a pledge to never be engaged in relations with a prostitute?
-I don't know sir.
You don't know if the senator would pledge to not have sex with a prostitute?
-I don't believe he would. Sir I don't know. Why are you putting me on the spot like this?
Divorce is the leading threat to marriage, so will he pledge to never divorce?
- Well, the senator has cosponsored the marriage amendment and is in support of it.
All these things that threaten marriage are important,
- I understand sir, and he is happily married to his wife. They have two children.
Has he ever had sex with someone outside of his marriage.
- Sir, I don't know, that's really none of my business.
Well, it's America's business today. I mean, obviously someone who has sex with a transvestite prostitute would not be in support of traditional marriage. Has he ever had sex with a transvestite prostitute?
- I don't know sir, I really don't think so but I don't know.
Have you ever had sex with a transvestite prostitute?
- I told you that I never had sex outside of marriage and I'm not married.
Why are you not married?
-Why am I not married? Cause I'm 19 years old.
Marriage is very important,
- I understand that
You need to get married right away, do you have a plan for that?
-You know what sir, I 've gotta go, you have a great day.