Cliff's Corner

The Week That Was 4/28/06

Another week. More preposterousness to report.

I am having a difficult time concentrating on the task at hand right now, as I am eagerly awaiting my $100 check from Congress to see if I can get myself “hooked up” with any of Randy Duke Cunningham’s friends. A paltry sum to be sure, and I don’t have the votes to trade for venereal disease and am not a Republican political hack running the CIA (apparently Porter is concentrating on the wrong kinds of leaks), but I figure in George Bush’s Washington, one must dare to dream.

So members of the family values party—you know the front for Limbaugh’s Larry King-like marriage relay, the militarystud.com reporter, phone-sex falafels, congressmen who only minimally asphyxiate their mistresses and mayors who support amendments outlawing gay marriage while surreptitiously Scouting the local Cubs---it turns out, enjoy trysts with strangers in the night at their favorite nostalgic den of sin the Watergate. I knew this was a group that had figuratively been caught with their pants down on virtually everything that has happened since the dawn of the Bush Era, but I wasn’t aware they had the kind of commitment that would take this thing to the next level, with women they would see drawn and quartered if their base ever got its way.

Where is Pat Robertson when we need him to direct God’s wrath in a particular direction? Because when God’s done with those heathens in Dover, PA, the malevolent members of Corporate Mammon would seem to be the guys that should next be bracing for a lightening bolt. I admit I haven’t read my Bible lately, but I am guessing we’re way past Golden Calf territory here.

I mean I know their abstinence programs in our schools have led to more STDs than an average week for Courtney Love, but I thought the grown-ups in the Republican Party understood how important chastity was if we’re going to win the War on Terror. How is Tony Snow’s hair going to explain this one when it’s soon required to take the podium? How will Hot Tub Tom keep his promise of making this nation safe again for Christians with this kind if amoral behavior taking place right under his nose? How will President Bush react to more corrupt GOPers he has likely struck a pose with in numerous photos while only remembering casually meeting at the White House Kwanzaa Party? And how can we allow this to go on when Ken Mehlman has remained corporally unsullied while he waits to meet the perfect womanly companion?

To take this a step further, what if Joe Lieberman’s right? I mean if criticizing the president is tantamount to undermining the War on Terror, then what does copulation with prostitutes say when the man’s own wife has already complained that Desperate Housewives is her surrogate husband when darkness comes hither? We’re talking aiding and abetting Al Qaeda now.

So let me end by saying, please Republicans, stop undermining the War on Terror. The values that we all hold dear should not be auctioned to the nicest pair of lower hind limbs. If you should feel an urge, and it is simply uncontrollable, I am sure Clarence Thomas can apprise you of where to find the appropriate viewing material to get you past the primordial DTs.