Cliff's Corner

The Week That Was 4/21/06

Another week. More preposterousness to report.

I must begin by apologizing for the slightly abbreviated nature of my weekly update on that lovable group of lascivious, hypocritical, self-flagellating, Malkenesque bed-wetters known as today’s GOP. I only have My Pet Goat kinda time to spend on the column this week due to some other obligations, so please don’t take this to mean that the GOP hasn’t once again provided more ammunition than they’re willing to supply our troops with in Iraq.

This past week we witnessed a Washington shakeup of San Francisco 1906 proportions, for an administration that has lately only seen top aides leave via the local penitentiary when Target had appealing new cutlery to pocket. Or the click of a mouse brought with it the possibility of an exciting rendezvous with a lass who’d otherwise be curled up on the couch watching Rugrats reruns.

But when FoxNews is even telling a you that your approval rating is mired in a funk worse than those pools of salt and urea that line Scottie’s midriff during his daily lying sessions, well it’s certainly high time to get some new people to sell the same crappy policies that have historians already calling you the worst Commander-in-Chief EVER. To think Karl Rove was spending nights gazing at his exponentially increasing belly-button lint and demographic analyses that would supposedly lead to a Republican realignment. Well Karl, the only realignment now likely to occur will be in your posterior after shower-mopping duty at Leavenworth for your role in outing an undercover agent and lying about it (or in shorthand: treason).

Then you’ll really get to see why they call ‘em love handles Karl!

So Scotty is moving on now, maybe to help his GOP-bolting mother become Governor of Texas or his LBJ-smearing father write more books that apply the unassailable logic of a National Review dittohead-dweeb like Ramesh Ponnuru. Ponnuru likes to call Democrats "The Party of Death" (so scary) in books edited by Ben Domenech, while momentarily losing sight of the fact that it’s his party that dropped daisy cutters on Fallujah and slept through Katrina.

But think of the stem cells! Who will save the stem cells!!

Either way, they need a new liar, so why not call up one who worked for pop? Tony Snow, a 'Bush I' speechwriter, has become the lead candidate from what I’m hearing. Yet, after hosting FoxNews broadcasts and radio shows one wonders how he’ll be able to bring himself to dishonestly shill for The Decider.

And Rove, now a “subject” of Patrick Fitzgerald’s investigation, will in the meantime stop concentrating on all his policy successes and move back to his role as the guy who makes-shit-up-to-scare-people-into voting for an incompetent band of lunatics. One wonders how he’ll adjust.

But at least they have the perfect guy for Rove’s replacement, another nostril-flaring inbreed known as Joel Kaplan. This dead ringer for Beaker helped foment the infamous “Bourgeois Riot” to shut down the recount in Miami-Dade County in 2000. He should fit in perfectly with this crowd, as that “riot,” which saw Tom DeLay’s aides pretend to fight for the little guy, when they were really “rioting” to line their pockets with lobbyists’ gifts and laundered money, also happens to be the credo of the current crew at the White House he’ll now concoct bullshit with until he inevitably joins them in a jumpsuit jamboree.