Cliff's Corner

The Week That Was 2/24/06

Another week. More preposterousness to report.

This week Republicans proved once again why they simply suck more than Dick Morris facing a pair of newly pedicured toes on national security. What do Iraq’s current eruption into Civil War and his plan—on hold—to turn port management over to some of Osama’s buddies in the UAE have in common? Namely that the same dolts are in charge who’ve been using candy cigarettes to “smoke” Osama out of his cave and think a PDB warning that “Bin Laden is Determined to Attack in the United States” should be archived alongside Bush bicycle mishaps and Ken Mehlman’s ABBA collection. You know, the Neocons, who know as much about national security as Mary Matalin does about not looking like you could pick her up under the Brooklyn Bridge for spare change. Let’s just say you know you’re fucking things up when putting Bernie Kerik in charge is starting to look good.

Face it: We’re all Brittany’s baby now.

Back to the situation in Iraq for a moment, if you’ll indulge me. Keith Olbermann— someone who actually thought up the novel idea of doing real reporting on his show each night about non-blonds not missing in Aruba—ends each broadcast by reciting the number of days since Colonel Klink put on a military suit for the first time since hiding from the Alabama Air National Guard and declaring “Mission Accomplished.” I think we’re somewhere around 1028 days or so. But hey, not all is lost. I mean Bush did get to pose for a photo-op next to a plastic turkey!

Since Bush’s premature declaration we have seen roadside explosions, pitched gun battles and violent assaults on unarmed civilians. And that was just when Dick Cheney went hunting in Samarra. The sad truth is that in addition to an increased number of U.S. troops killed, kidnappings of Westerners, attacks on journalists, a complete lack of security, and a degraded infrastructure, all we have to show for our efforts is a few people with purple fingers. And you can achieve that by simply spending a night with Jeff Gannon.

But of course the worst is yet to come. Sectarian violence has now led to the bombing of a holy Shiite shrine and reprisal attacks against Sunni mosques. At least 130 people have been killed. The Sunni bloc has suspended talks with the main Shiite alliance. In some countries they call this CIVIL WAR. Karl Rove probably calls it a consulting opportunity for those seeking office in Iraq. I mean just think of those weak-on-shrine-bombing attack ads he could put together.

Regardless, it makes you think that maybe all those voices in the military from General Zinni to General Clark may have had a clue what they were talking about when they said this war would lead to chaos and civil strife. Not to mention millions of other Americans who knew that Iraq and Afghanistan were different countries. One had terrorists that attacked us. The other had land that Richard Perle wanted to occupy (via cable modem).

Finally, what can we say about this whole UAE deal? It was sure a shock to find out the War President would let a company to manage American ports that is run by one of three countries to officially recognize the Taliban, whose banks laundered Al Qaeda money, whose capital is still considered an Al Qaeda hub where 11 of the 19 September 11th hijackers flew through to get to the United States and who sent some of its EMIRS TO VISIT BIN LADEN IN AFGHANISTAN before 9/11. But in Bush’s defense, his family does have financial ties to the ruling elite. I’m just surprised he hasn’t held hands with them at the ranch.

Yet, with Republicans in revolt, the deal is now on hold, at least until the UAE does something to push it over the top—like offer their best hookers for Neil. The ones missing their tongues for offering unsolicited opinions just aren’t in Neil's league. He’s been to Thailand.

So what are those wily Republicans going to do next, make Rick Santorum the point man on ethics? Oh, right.