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The Week That Was 02/10/06

Another week. More preposterousness to report.

Where does one begin this week? How about Libby fingering Cheney (not in a Ken Mehlman kinda way) in the leak that ended up outing (not in a Ken Mehlman kinda way) a covert operative and endangered our national security? That’s the scuttlebutt in Washington—and it sure must have sent an extra jolt through Cheney’s angina while he was preparing to down his usual breakfast of orphaned school kids and lox. This was revealed, of course, just as Porter Goss was employing some young paper-cut-strewn Neocon to pen an op-ed to The New York Times about how it’s “criminal” that President Bush’s unconstitutional program of spying on Americans was leaked to the press. Porter apparently thinks that “the terrorists gain an edge when they keep their secrets and we don't keep ours.” He might want to share those thoughts with Dick (and Karl), the next time the veep stops off in Langley to pressure CIA analysts to concoct falsehoods about weapons of mass destruction.

This week we also had the pleasure of experiencing African-American-birthing scholar and criminologist Bill Bennett open that rather large orifice below his nose again, and what he had to say, after a few $1000 poker chips, an IOU and a pork chop fell out, was up to his usual level of sensitivity and pedagogy. Bennett, weighing in (no pun intended) on the Danish cartoon situation, blamed all of Islam for the riots besieging many Muslim countries. And of course he’s right, as what’s going on right now obviously bears no resemblance to Pat Robertson’s wishing doom upon Dover, PA or other “men of the cloth” advocating the murder of abortion doctors. I can’t figure out what the common link is?

But I have a solution. I’m thinking grudge match. Ayman Al-Zwahiri v. Bill Bennett.

They’re both on the corpulent side—it should be fair. No gloves. Ear biting encouraged. Brit Hume can cover it live after he’s finished pasting his hair to his cranium. All proceeds go to charity. Hell, they still charge for Tyson's fights, and I’m pretty sure he just went through menopause. Give the money to a good cause, like universal health care or rat poison for Ann Coulter (for the media, that was just a joke). The loser has to play naked chess with Jonah Goldberg. I see it as win-win.

Speaking of right-wing air balloons, Alberto Gonzalez, he of the endorsement of nipple electrodes and disemboweling of Guantanamo “guests,” went to Congress this past week to tell them, in between lies, that Dear Leader would “listen to their views” when it comes to their unconstitutional spying on Americans. Now I don’t carry a copy of the Constitution on my person, but I seem to remember some rather wacky concept of co-equal branches and the separation of powers being part of whole scheme.

Luckily for Gonzalez, however, he wasn’t up on the Hill when the weekly alarm went off in the Russell Building, signaling there “might be” a weapon of mass destruction in the attic. And no, I’m not talking about the constantly whimpering John McCain after a bowl of Senate bean soup. It turned out to be a false alarm, kind of like in Iraq, but with no recent crimes committed against leggy blonds in Aruba, Rita Cosby was on that faster than Republicans sensing slight criticism at a funeral.

Yes, once again, the GOP was up in arms, not about their Simian King admitting he broke the law or allowing a U.S. city to be destroyed, but over the fact that President Carter and the Reverend Joseph Lowery actually criticized the Failed One at Coretta Scott King’s funeral. I mean, how dare them uppity Negroes and libruls criticize their cult leader? Glenn Beck, another in the long line of turbo-drooling right-wing talk-show hosts, called Carter a “waste of skin.” I guess he’s jealous, because if you’ve seen a picture, it’s pretty clear he’s using all of his. And luckily you’ll get to see him more as CNN has added Bennett and Beck to their stable…of talent. Nice hires, guys, just don’t forget to up the fried-food quotient in the CNN cafeteria.

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