Cliff's Corner

The Week That Was 01/20/06

Another week. More preposterousness to report.

Let me begin by explaining in the simplest terms why I killed Christ. I know, it’s not imperative, but I feel it’s my moral duty to clarify this impious skullduggery committed by each an every member of the Jewish faith after John brought Pastor Ken Hutcherson to our attention this past week. You may remember that the good Mr. Hutcherson, when referring to Mel Gibson’s horror flick dressed in Biblical clothing, offered the affable aside that:

I think it's going to be controversial to the whole view of the Jewish nation. The truth is that they did push to have Christ crucified. That's just plain truth...that's Biblical truth.

Well, first of all, let me explain that I have an alibi. I was planning the takeover of the world economy, media and all motion pictures not made by the endearing Mr. Gibson with all the other Hebrews at the time—over poppy seed bagels and lox with some gefilte fish and the blood of blue-eyed children on the side.

That said, I will admit my complicity. I had to off him. If I hadn’t, think of the world we would live in. Pat Robertson would be selling ’58 Ford Pintos. Instead of the Passion of the Christ, we would have been throttled non-stop with Lethal Weapons 5-13 until Mel Gibson finally just settled his bloodlust by killing Danny Glover. Priests would actually have to find consenting adults. Mrs. Scalito would run out of reasons to cry. And George W. Bush would have no faux-conversion story for why he’s supposedly not a piss-drunk, drugged-out loser anymore, even though if this is George W. Bush governing while sober, I’d rather have his brain on drugs. Any questions?

Now onto important stories. It seems some in the media and on Capitol Hill are finally a bit perturbed by the fact that it is easier to get our phone records than it is for Republican lamppost Kellyanne Conway to regurgitate lunch. Or marry a guy who looks like a doughnut and spent the 90s humping her slightly less bulimic-looking buddy Laura Ingraham. Yeah, George, it had nothing to do with your bank. But I digress.

The important thing here is that someday we might not be able to purchase Wesley Clark’s calls for 1/1000th of what it costs to make eye contact with Bob Ney, while he takes out the 9-iron at St. Andews before hitting the hot tub with Jack Abramoff. And speaking of Jack, George Clooney brought up a good point this week—would you name your son Jack if his last name ended in off? I mean c’mon. Think of how much he must have gotten his ass kicked during all those extra recess hours he purchased from the middle-school principal. I think in between segments on Natalee Holloway this is the kinda thing inquiring minds might want Greta, Rita or Nancy Grace to figure out for us. For now you can just go to one of many sites online, get their phone records and ask them yourself. Say Jonah Goldberg sent you.

Finally, in the continuing right-wing war against ideas that they find deplorable, such as seeking truth through rigorous study, science and reason to answer the universe’s mysteries—for instance, when will Hannity finally admit his slight stiffening while gazing at the lustrous Colmes and how did Ann Coulter’s Adam’s Apple become larger than the pre-stomach-stapled Al Roker—we find out that those nutty pre-Enlightenment thinkers on the right have been paying UCLA students to spy on professors and report on their “radical” nature. My first question is doesn’t the Bush Administration already have the NSA, FBI or Jenna while on X to take care of this?

Second, as John alluded to earlier this week, might it be possible for those who don’t, I dunno, subscribe to cult-like, paranoid, apocalyptic, supernatural beliefs to actually listen to views with which they disagree and still retain power over their own thoughts and behavior? I attended a lecture by Frank Luntz when he was a professor at my undergrad. I still have my real hair. And, yes, I also was present at a talk given by the aforementioned Mrs. Conway as a graduate student, and my digestive system still chooses to process my entire caloric intake.